


Love Is A Complicated Thing

by Two_Guns_And_A_Knife



Category: Stephanie Plum - Janet Evanovich
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-10
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-11-11 19:45:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 9,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife/pseuds/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of mini stories about love. Starring: The Man of Mystery, the Italian Stallion, etc.. Please note that the chapters are not in a timely order. Warning:Be afraid, cupcakes, be very afraid! Theme Song: "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mission 1: A Hairy Eagle

**Mission 1: A Hairy Eagle**

"Is that an eagle tattoo on his chest?"

"Hell, no. If you look more closely, you'll find it is actually a vulture, not an eagle."

"What? Wait a minute...oh, I see..."

"Yeah, the 'feathers' you saw are not really feathers. In fact, they are chest hai-"

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!"

"Don't panic. We have a perfect solution. And please remember not to interrupt me again."

"Sorry."

_**5 seconds and a magic spell later** _

"Ta DA!"

"Wow, that's brilliant!"

The fairy godfather and his apprentice smile happily at their handiwork and then disappear in a cloud of fairy dust. Now that the obstacle has been successfully removed, Client No. 579841123906 will have a fair chance to get over his ex-on-and-off-again-and-again-and-again-girlfriend and finally meet and win the heart of his true love.

_**6 hours and 18 minutes later** _

The Trenton police detective sometimes known as the Italian Stallion wakes up from a night of sweet slumber. He stretches, yawns, gets out of bed, walks into his bathroom and screams. He stares at his own reflection in the mirror in total terror.

He is now as hairless and smooth as a plucked turkey. And yes, from head to toe.


	2. Mission 2: Love, Uninterrupted

**Mission 2: **Love, Uninterrupted****

********He tosses and turns in bed.He knows what will be happening if he's not there to prevent it. There is no time to waste! He jumps out of bed and starts throwing things into his duffle bag. He then goes into the bathroom for a quick shower and shave. He will be at her door in fifteen minutes if everything goes well. He rushes out to get dressed, runs down the stairs, and gets run over by his big orange dog.

"Get off me!" He tries to push the 95 pound friendly beast off his chest but the drooling dog won't budge. Great, now his face and chest are totally covered in dog saliva. "I really need to get going!" He pushes, he shoves, he wriggles. But all his attempts to get away fail. He lets out an exasperated sigh and keeps on struggling.

The dog wiggles his bushy tail, puts his full weight on the his owner's body and barks happily. He's being a good boy and no, he will not go anywhere.

"Good boy!" The tall, handsome, Mocha Latte fairy godfather clad sleekly in black says encouragingly*.

His apprentice looks at him with adoring eyes and puts a hand over her wildly beating heart. She is sooooooo lucky to be assigned to him!

**At the same time, in an apartment that has been firebombed too many times to its owner's liking**

She wakes up completely entangled with him.

"Uh-oh," she says. "Sorry! I seem to be on top of you."

He kisses her neck and slides the strap to her tank top off her shoulder. And then his hand is under her little knit top, his fingers skimming across her breast. He kisses her, and their tongues touch, and his mouth moves lower and lower… and lower! And this is the thing she knows about him from the one time they've been together. He makes love. And he likes to kiss. He kisses everything. A lot.

And he doesn't freeze in mid kiss...

* Dear readers, I don't have to tell you fairy godfathers and their apprentices are invisible to human eyes, do I?

 


	3. Lesson 1: The Price of Love

**Lesson 1: The Price of Love**

She claws. She bites.

She kicks. Still the two men in black manage to pull her away in lightning speed. They place her in the backseat of the black SUV and drive off immediately. She screams. She curses. She threatens. But they just keep on driving. Soon they are back in the underground garage. The huge dark chocolate man carries her under one massive arm till they reach the 7th floor penthouse and locks her in alone. She slides down to the floor and starts shaking.

She remembers too well the cold determination in his eyes when he headed out to the hunt. The man after her is a bad enemy and crazed for revenge. And they both know there's only one way to solve this problem permanently. But she can't let him do this for her again. She loves him with all her heart and all her life, and it kills her to see him risk himself just to save her. A wave of shame and regret sweeps through her as she remembers how fast she had run to another man's bed and let him deal with the aftermath all alone the last time. No. She can't turn her face away, pretending nothing has ever happened and let he take on all the dirty work. She refuses to be such a burden to the man she loves. She has to do something. She needs to do something. Anything.

And that's why she disregarded his instruction and sneaked out to follow him. But, as always, he had expected this and she was caught easily. _I need to make sure you are safe_. She can still feel the warmth of his palms on her face before he sent her away. _Go home, Babe. Please_. She knows he wanted to keep her away from all the blood and violence that would soon follow. She knows he will do anything to keep her safe. And it breaks her heart to realize that once again he is the one to sacrifice and pay the price. But now there is nothing she can do but wait.

The apartment is bathing in early morning light when the lock of the front door tumbles. He walks in with the elegance and swiftness of a Siberian tiger, unscathed and unharmed. She looks up at him with tired sky-clear blue eyes and whispers, "I'm so sorry".

He picks her up and holds her close to his steady beating heart. "It's not your fault, Babe." He whispers back as the warmth of her love and life chases away the darkness that has scarred his soul. "It's not your fault."

The Mocha Latte fairy godfather puts his arm gently around his weeping apprentice. True love needs no intervention.

 


	4. Mission 3: Tangled

**Mission 3: Tangled**

Client No. 579841123906 is a pain in the ass. Period.

The fairy godfather's apprentice gives a disgusted look at the pizza boxes and beer bottles scattered inside the second floor bedroom. Why can't they just FedEX him to some third-universe planet where no human being will take notice of his current state? Yes, he's still in shock that he has become balder than a vulture overnight but so what? Bruce Willis is bald. Vin Diesel is bald. Jason Statham is bald. And they still get on with their lives and get their girls. Why can't he just concentrate on the positive side of life and learn to cope? No, he has to be the crying baby that he is and locks himself up in his house and lives on pizza delivery for 7.5 days and scares the hell out of his poor granny and mommy...

"Stop mumbling and come in here." His master instructs in a bored voice. "I am going to start _**The Salvation**_ right now and remember, watch and learn."

The young apprentice comes to stand beside the 6' 7" crossdressing fairy godfather and holds his breath. _**The Salvation**_ may be the dream cure to baldness but Oh My God it does smell like hell. With a graceful yet complicated movement of his hand, the fairy godfather pours a tiny bottle of colorless liquid over the drunken client and just like that, shining dark brown hair starts growing out of his head. With a satisfied nod, the master and his apprentice disappear in another cloud of fairy dust. And the beautiful hair keeps on growing.

Half an hour later, in the living room downstairs, the big orange dog stares with wide eyes at the snake-like shining dark vines creeping down the stairs. He flees to the kitchen with his tail between his legs and howls, and howls, and howls. His owner jerks awake in confusion, blinks his swollen eyes several times, looks around his bedroom. And yes, you guessed right, dear readers, he screams again.


	5. Lesson 2: Gain and Loss

**Lesson 2: Gain and Loss**

He broke apart like an extra crispy cannoli. All his alpha male pride shattered, and the lonely, heartbroken human being inside oozed out everywhere. He sank to his knees, put his face in his hands and sobbed violently till all his tears and strength were drained.

He had finally made up his mind to confess his true feelings. But all his hope for a happy ever after had evaporated at the news that the love of his life had eloped to Vegas for a quick wedding. He curled into a small ball on the cold hard floor and fell asleep as soothing darkness engulfed him. The next morning he packed up everything, went to a city where nobody knew him and started his new life.

One year later, he sat in the dark corner booth of a bar, trying yet again to forget with a dry martini the beautiful face that had never stopped haunting his dreams. A dim shadow fell upon him as a familiar face looked down at him.

"Officer Hottie?" The tall, hairy crossdresser who had gunned down the Slayers asked him incredulously.

"Please, call me Josephine." Said the drag queen who had lost his beloved Mocha Latte mercenary but gained a new life in New York City.

 **Moral of the story:** Yep, life can be really surprising.


	6. Mission 4: Cupcake

**Mission 4: Cupcake**

A well-manicured hand with a shining gold ring on it smacks the sleeping man hard on the head. He yells and jerks awake in pain, and then looks up in fury and confusion at the thin, dangerous man who looks exactly like Army Ranger Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade* and the beefy Tony Soprano look-alike standing guard behind him.

"Alright, kid, I have something very important to tell you and I'll only say it once, so listen carefully." Colonel says in a commanding voice that sounds just like Al Pacino. "It's 21st century. Chicks don't like to be called a cheap pastry that can so fucking easily be found in every two-bit bakery. Capishe?"

The man in the bed looks into those cold, sharp, penetrating eyes, swallows, and nods quickly.

"Good. Keep that in mind. Don't make us come pay you another visit." With a crisp snap of his fingers, the Commander of the fairy godfather SWAT team and his Lieutenant vanish.

However, there is a rarely known truth about life: You can't teach an Italian Stallion new tricks. And that's the reason why Client No. 579841123906 gets himself run over by his ex-on-and-off-again-and-again-and-again-girlfriend's shining black Porsche Boxster the next morning**.

* _ **Scent of a Woman**_ is such an all time classic!

**You can find the complete Incident Report in **Cupcake(** Fanfic id:7462953).


	7. Lesson 3: Forbidden Words

**Lesson 3: Forbidden Words**

The man comes to the temple, sinks to his knees and cries desperately. "All I want is her love."

The Goddess takes mercy on him and grants his wish under one condition: he must vow not to say the three forbidden words ever again, or the result shall be grim. The man bows to the Goddess gratefully and gives his oath. Then he returns to his home happily and has the sweetest dream ever that night.

The next day, the man puts on his best clothes and shoes and goes to the market. He buys a bouquet of beautiful, heavenly scented red roses and an incredibly delicious moist chocolate layer cake. Then he goes to knock on the door of the lovely young woman with wild brown curls and turquoise blue eyes.

She opens the door on the thirteenth knock and yells "What!"

The man smiles his most dazzling smile into her pretty, sleepy face and says without thinking the three forbidden words, and gets smacked in his face, head and stomach. Really hard.

She slams her door shut and leaves he lying outside on the ground, whimpering in pain. The Goddess appears in front of him out of thin air and sighs."Haven't I told you not to say 'Bob misses you' already?"

 **Moral of the story:** Old habit dies hard? Just kill it anyways!


	8. Lesson 4: Love is Sacrifice

**Lesson 4: Love is Sacrifice**

The lovely young woman with wild brown curls and turquoise blue eyes woke up to a powerful urge to cook something hot, tasty and healthy for the man she loved dearly. She jumped out of bed, ran out of her door, drove all the way to the market, and then finally let herself into the familiar kitchen and started cooking.

One and a half hours later, she sat dazedly on the pavement across the street. The big orange dog rested his head on her lap and whimpered. Around her, awed bystanders looked on with open mouths and wild fascination as firefighters from the TFD shouted instructions to each other and worked real hard to hose down the fire.

The tall dark movie star handsome police detective stood away from the crowd, gaping at his fire engulfed property in stunned disbelief. He finally walked up to the young woman, looked upward as if praying and then dropped to both knees and started crying. "I'm begging you, Stephanie, please stop using my kitchen as your lab whenever you feel like cooking something for him!"

"You know I can't do that, Joe." His wide-eyed ex-girlfriend exclaimed earnestly. "I can't possibly risk burning down the whole RangeMan building!"

 **Moral of the story:** To love is to sacrifice, sometimes and unfortunately necessarily, someone else...


	9. Lesson 5: Love Potion "Extremely Combustible 18"

**Lesson 5: Love Potion "Extremely Combustible 18"**

****"Jesus Christ! What's that gooey neon green stuff in his stomach?"

he coroner in charge of the autopsy frowns and gags. In his 35 years of practice, he has never seen anything disgustingly bizarre like this. Later on, the CSI unit does all kinds of forensics tests on the substance and finds out that it is composed of nothing else but sugar, lime and water. There's no sign and evidence of a crime or foul play, and that leaves only one possibility. So the TPD soon makes the conclusion and declares to the shocked and mourning public that the cause of death of the highly praised member of Trenton's Finest is food poisoning.

Inside the Great Hall, the fairy godfathers and their apprentices gather in silence. True, Client No. 579841123906 was a royal pain in the ass and none of them ever liked him, but nonetheless they still hate to lose the hairy Italian Stallion in such a stupid idiotic way.

 **Moral of the story:** Dear readers, please keep in mind that the recipe for Love Potion "Extremely Combustible 18" you found on the internet is not only fake but also **DEADLY FATAL**. Please do not attempt to make it in your own kitchen and then drink it in front of your ex-girlfriend. If you can't make her love you while you're still alive, dropping dead before her eyes won't be any help.


	10. Mission 5: Love Potion "Excalibur 18"

**Mission 5: Love Potion " ** **Excalibur 18"******

Expertly he unlocks the familiar door and slips inside the apartment like a shadow. Silver moonlight sparkles silently on his dark skin. A gust of sweet night breeze dances through a half opened window and ruffles his long hair. He was called away for a mission, and hasn't seen the love of his life for three long, agonizing months. He comes here right after returning from his mission to give her an early Christmas surprise. A small yet dazzling smile creeps on the corner of his lips. He can't wait to run his hands through those crazy wild curls, and lose himself in her turquoise blue eyes. He walks into her bedroom silently and starts the preparation for their perfect night together.

He stands in the darkness waiting for the beautiful woman he loves with all his heart and all his life to return. The wise old woman of the the remote mountain village told him the secret of their tribe to thank him for saving all her people's lives. "It will make you both realize and cherish the love you share, and let you live happily ever after." She said with a kind motherly smile. His body tenses upon hearing the locks on the front door tumbling open. Soon the familiar soft tapping of her heels starts coming his way. He looks down at the tiny crystal bottle in his hand and drinks the sweet fragrant pinkish transparent liquid in one gulp.

The owner of the apartment walks into her dark bedroom, turns on the light and comes face to face with the naked sexy man in all her dreams. They look into each other's eyes for a lightning second and in a sudden pang of love and passion, jump each other.

The fairy godfather who looks just like a harmless wise old woman of some remote mountain village snaps his fingers to turn off the magic mirror. His tall, thin blonde apprentice claps both his hands happily with a fangy smile on his handsome vampire-pale face.

Yes, dear readers, love potions do exist. The powerful Excalibur 18 has just granted Client No. 633897410065 her Christmas wish. Now Joyce Barnhardt, the proud owner of Stephanie Manoso's old apartment, will spend the rest of her life with the love of her life. And you can bet Joyce and Trenton police detective Joseph A. Morelli will live happily ever after forever and ever!

****Free Tips to A Healthy and Successful Relationship:** **

*Don't even think about leaving for a three-month-long undercover mission without first informing your on-and-off-again-and-again-and-again girlfriend.

*When coming home from a three-month-long undercover mission, check with your neighbors to see if your ex-on-and-off-again-and-again-and-again-girlfriend has married your archenemy before sneak into her old apartment and strip yourself naked in the bedroom.

*Never drink anything a stranger gives you, no matter how harmless the wise old woman of some remote mountain village looks.


	11. Mission 6: Love Needs A Little Push

****Mission 6:** Love Needs A Little Push**

Silently he slips inside her apartment like a shadow of some dangerous yet beautiful beast. A gust of sweet midnight breeze dances through a half opened window and ruffles his silky hair. Silver moonlight sparkles tenderly on his smooth Mocha Latte skin. A small yet dazzling smile creeps on the corner of his perfect, sexy lips. He comes here tonight to give the love of his life a Christmas surprise. He can't wait to hold her in his arms and show her how much he loves her.

A beautiful smile blossoms on her face as she feels the familiar tingle on the back of her slender neck. Quietly she stands in the darkness waiting for the man she loves with all her heart and all her life to arrive. He walks into her dark bedroom and comes face to face with her seconds later. They look into each other's eyes for a lightning second and in a sudden pang of love and passion, Stephanie jumps Ranger.

She pushes him down into her bed and then straddles him. She leans forward to kiss him and right at this moment her bed frame moans and snaps and breaks apart completely under the weight of two people and the mattress immediately falls with a thud to the cold hard floor. Ranger starts laughing so hard that he can hardly breathe. Stephanie groans and hides her blushing face in his muscular chest. When his ultra delicious perfect body finally stops shaking with uncontrollable laughter, Ranger places a kiss on Stephanie's soft red lips and gently pulls her out of the wreckage with him. And after some serious haggling and negotiation, she packs a bag, grabs Rex, and officially moves in with him.

The tall, handsome, Mocha Latte fairy godfather clad sleekly in black flashes his apprentice a 1000 Zillion Watt smile as she proudly holds out her hand to show him the four screws she removed from the bed frame earlier that day. Yes, dear readers, sometimes even true love needs a little push.


	12. Lesson 6: There's No Reason in Love

**Lesson 6: There's No Reason in Love**

The resemblance between father and son is simply striking, so says everyone who comes to see the newborn baby. And in no time at all, the first-born of the Really Hairy Italian Stallion becomes the pride and joy of the whole Morelli family. His great grandmother Bella, aka the Witch Who Makes the Wicked Witch of the East Looks Harmless And Silly, worships the diapers he pees and poos on. His grandmother Angie dotes on him. His uncles and aunts and cousins adore him and visit him daily bearing gifts. His happy and proud father, Detective Joseph Morelli, indulges and pampers him like a real crown prince, while his mother always looks at him with sad, sad eyes and silently sobs whenever no one else is around.

Dark hair, dark skin, dark eyes, and that enchanting smile. Yes, her first-born child does look just like his father—the man she truly and still deeply loves but alas can not marry. One day I will tell him, she swears to herself as her shaking hand grasps the locket around her neck tightly as if it is the last ray of light she sees before she dies of loneliness and despair. One day I'll tell my sweet, precious Carlo who his real father is.

Both the fairy godfather and his apprentice cringe and wince and hurriedly disappear in a cloud of fairy dust as Mrs. Joseph Morelli (née Barnhardt) opens the locket to kiss the photo of Vinnie Plum inside. Yes, dear readers, true love can be really very, very weird sometimes...

 


	13. Mission 7: Nip The Bud!

************************************Mission 7********************************** : Nip The Bud!**

The dark-haired boy smiles a charming confident and dazzling white-teeth smile too sophisticated for his age, and holds out an inviting hand. He is no doubt a very good-looking child. Melted chocolate eyes. Deep Olive skin. Long lashes. And heavy brows. Typical Italian facial features. He's tall for his age and lean, and has the sleek grace of a young tomcat. And he seems more matured than his actual age. He will be 9 in just 2 days.

The wild-haired girl standing a little away from the boy will probably never be described as beautiful or delicate. She is about 2 or 3 years younger than the boy, and her clear turquoise blue eyes are full of innocent curiosity. It's apparent that she will grow up into a pretty and clever young woman one day. She looks at the boy's hand and frowns, as if she is considering whether it's wise to take the boy's hand and follow him.

"Come on, I'll teach you a new game in my daddy's garage, Stephanie." Young Joe Morelli repeats and unconsciously licks his lips.

The 6-year-old Stephanie Plum tilts her head sideways slightly as if listening to something, and then all of a sudden starts to scream, "Help! Mommy, help!"

All the moms and aunts and grandmas in the neighborhood immediately drop everything and run out to see what is happening. And several hours later, after a long and serious conversation with Father Luciano, 2 police officers from TPD and 3 social workers from the state of New Jersey, a teary Bella Morelli finally sees to reason and nods her consent. And, much to the relief of all the neighbors, a wailing Joseph A. Morelli is sent to the far, far away St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys. It's a tough and painful but nevertheless necessary decision as it turns out that it's not the first time young Joseph has tried to lure little girls into his father's garage to perform improper deeds. And almost every girl younger or the same age as Joseph in this neighborhood have fallen victims to him over the past couple years. It's best to nip trouble in the bud to avoid any serious damages in the future, the adults all agree. And this city will be much safer for the girls from now on with the troubled and disturbed boy gone.

The fairy godfather who looks like a male version of Mary Poppins and has a flaming skull tattoo on his forehead smiles and waves goodbye to the girl named Stephanie and disappears in a cloud of fairy dust. Life is all good and well and will remain that way. And he's more than happy and grateful the smart little girl didn't hesitate when he told her to scream for help.

 


	14. Lesson 7: Platform 9 3/4

****Lesson** 7: Platform 9 3/4**

****The evening is quiet. The temperature is high. The streets are deserted. Everyone is at home chilling in front of the air conditioner while eating ice cream and watching TV. The nice-looking young man walks toward his destination with his trademark charming smile and gleeful expectation. He has done his homework. He knows she will be there. All by herself. Alone. He plans to make her sell him a cannoli. He knows she won't deny him. It will be fun, easy, and quick. Then he will walk away with the delicious memory. But of course, he will leave her a souvenir. To make sure he will always have a special place in her heart. To make sure she will never ever forget him. Yes, he knows she's always looking at him. Yes, he knows she will never say no to him. Yes, her smile is shy but inviting. Yes, he will help her transform from a girl to a woman. Yes, he's extremely experienced and very good at it. And yes, he knows he will enjoy the process immensely.

He stops at the door of the store and smirks to himself. He smoothes his hair, unbuttons the first 4 buttons of his navy blue shirt to expose his hairy chest and enters the bakery. He then stops dead and gapes in confusion. He's inside a public bathroom, not Tasty Bakery. And there's something both strange and familiar about this place, but he just can't tell what it is. What happened? Why is he here? Where is here? He's sure he was right outside of the Tasty Bakery. He looks around, racks his brains but finds no answer. He turns to walk toward the door and almost gets hit in the face when the door swings open and a woman barges in. They stare at each other for a long second. The woman points her finger at him and screams bloody murder. Several muscled men come running in. They narrow their eyes at him. They are wearing TPD and TFD uniforms, he notices, and he can also smell the heavenly fragrance of pizzas, pasta sauces, and meatball subs. All of a sudden he knows where he is. He's inside Pino's. Pino's ladies' bathroom, to be exact. And he remembers hearing his mother and sister talking about a pervert hairy peeping Tom terrorizing their females customers...

The fairy godfathers who look just like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones stand side by side in silence watching the angry police officers take young Joe Morelli away to the station, and disappear in a cloud of fairy dust. They have a Quidditch World Cup game to catch.

 **Moral of the story:** Harry Potter is real, children.


	15. Lesson 8: Somebody That I Used To Know

**Lesson 8: Somebody That I Used To Know  
**

He woke up and started losing hair that very day. The hair on the very top of his head, not his chest hair, nor the hair on his arms, back, butt, and legs. He feels worried, and depressed. He hates feeling hopeless. He hates being helpless. But he has nowhere to run and no place to hide. He wanted to leave the Burg and move elsewhere, but he couldn't get a good enough price on his lovely cozy 2-story house. _It's the economy, Joseph._ People kept saying so in a sorry tone. He tried to apply for transfer, but there was no vacancy in LAPD. And the fact that he can't speak Spanish didn't help. He has done all he could, but his hair is gone forever and he can't run away from the merciless reality.

Now he has no choice but to stand tall with his head held high like a proud, real man, and desperately pray that his bald spot won't grow larger. So that people won't take notice of the shining bald spot on top of his head. He's 6 feet 1, for Christ's sake, but unfortunately there are plenty of people taller than he is. And sometimes people do like to look down from the second floor window and gape. So every night he cries himself to sleep. Every morning he wakes feeling numb with sadness. Just like now. _Oh what cruel fate hath befallen me_. He whispers to his own reflection. A drop of crystal tear falls down his cheek. He has lost not only the woman he loves, but also his hair. His precious hair. The curly brown hair right on the very top of his head. There's not even one single way for him to forget about his misery for a short, short while. Every time he looks into the mirror, the cold hard truth stares back at him and sneers.

No doubt Stephanie didn't recognize him when they ran into each other at Pino's the other day. He now looks like Swinging Friar Fred*, the mascot for the San Diego Padres...

 **Moral of the story:** Do **NOT** —I repeat, do **NOT** —tear at your hair in despair when your on-and-off girlfriend leaves you for the man she truly loves, people. Unless you want to be bald. ****

**   
**


	16. Mission 8: EYE In The Sky

****Mission** 8: EYE In The Sky  
**

The little wizened old lady dressed in black lights the candles and closes her eyes. Yes, people guessed right. She is indeed a witch. And a very powerful one, by the way. She has been waiting for too long. Now her patience is running thin. She has to intervene. She has no other choice. She's not going to live forever. She wants to see her wish fulfilled before she dies. Soon Joseph will be able to put a ring on his true love's finger and seal the deal. She'll see to that. His vision will be clear. His path will be smooth. And no one will be able blocking his way. Not any more. And by this time next year, she will be holding her favorite great grandchild in her old skinny arms. And then she can go to heaven to join her dear husband and son with no regrets. Bella Morelli smiles her trademark terrifying but somewhat beautiful smile and starts chanting in ancient Latin. Heavy dark clouds appears out of nowhere and cover the silvery full moon. Somewhere far far away a pack of wolves howl. Inside the nice cozy 2-story house on a quiet narrow street, Joe Morelli begins to dream...

Dawn comes.

Day breaks.

Joe Morelli wakes up from a good night's sleep. He smiles. He feels like a new man. He gets out of bed. He takes a shower. He shaves his face. He brushes his teeth. He whistles a song and gets down the stairs. He jumps in his car and starts the engine. He drives all the way to the 3-story building. With huge strides he walks up the stair to stand in front of the apartment door. He knocks but no one answers. So he knocks and knocks and knocks and knocks again. Finally a drowsy and grumpy "I'm coming. I'm coming." sounds at the other side of the door. Joe Morelli's smile widens. He takes a shining diamond ring out of his jeans pocket. He goes down on one knee.

The door opens.

A sleepy face appears.

"Cupcake, will you marry me?" Joe Morelli looks up and asks confidently.

The powerful ancient spell kicks in.

The sparkle of true love ignites. The chain of fate wraps around them and binds them together forever.

"Oh yes! Yes! Yes! I will marry you, Joe." Vinnie Plum squeals happily like a teenage girl, pulls Joe Morelli to his feet and kisses him on the lips like there's no tomorrow.

A no longer sleepy Stephanie Plum and her elderly neighbors gape at them.

The 2 fairy godfathers who look just like Bradley Cooper and Matthew McConaughey laugh so hard that they actually roll on the floor and cry. Luckily they know Bella Morelli is a witch. Luckily they helped Lucille Plum make the most important right decision in her life in time. Luckily they _persuaded_ Stephanie to take in her homeless weasel of a cousin and let him sleep on her couch last night.

And luckily true love always prevails no matter what.


	17. Love Prevails

**Mission 9: Love Prevails**

"Wake up and see the truth." The lean handsome fairy godfather who looks exactly like Captain Jack Sparrow whispers in a soft tempting tone.

"Smile and forget your fear." The extremely handsome green-eyed fairy godfather who is just like a combination of Tom Hardy and David Beckham whispers with a sexy gentle British accent.

The 3rd fairy godfather, a tall dark muscular handsome man who can be the identical twin of The Rock, smiles his Million Dollar smile and suddenly in a deep powerful voice roars: "It doesn't matter what you think!"

The 3 fairy godfathers disappear in a cloud of bursting golden, silver and black fairy dust. She jerks awake with a gasp and widened eyes. She places a trembling hand over her chest. She can hear her heart thumping in her ears. She just had a weirdest dream. The words are still ringing in her head. She takes a glance at the snoring man beside her. He has a very slight garlic breath. He is annoying stubborn from time to time. Though he has his faults and flaws, she loves him like no one else. They belong to each other. They are a match made in Heaven. She will never regret the days they have spent together. She tenderly kisses him on his forehead and eases out of bed. She takes a quick shower, gets dressed, and tiptoes down the stairs as quietly as she can. He loves to have hot creamy coffee and freshly fried doughnuts for breakfast. She smiles sweetly to herself as she drives drives through the almost empty streets. She always loves to see his handsome happy face when he bites into his chocolate cream doughnut.

She is just about to stop at a red light when she hears a huge explosion from somewhere not too far. Curiosity and dread fill her heart. She steps on the gas pedal after the light changes and turns toward the direction of the explosion. She can almost taste the black coiling smoke. The strong burning smell makes her eyes sting. She pulls to an abrupt stop as she sees the blazing fireball in the middle of the road a block away. Her heart nearly stops. She frantically looks around, desperately searching for the familiar silhouette. She lets out a ragged sob as her eyes fall on her child. An immense wave of relief and gratitude washes over her. Thank God Stephanie is alright. She then feels angry, frustrated, and upset.

Why is Stephanie here? Helen Plum wonders. What is she doing out here at this early hour? Why can't she go find a safer job? Why can't she have a normal life? Why can't she listen to sensible advice? When will she learn to stay away from dangerous criminals and crazy people? When will she settle down? Why can't she be like everyone else? _Enough is enough._ Helen tells herself and unbuckles her seat belt. It's time to put an end to this fiasco. It's time to have a mother and daughter talk. Whether Stephanie likes it or not. She gets out of the car, take a few steps forward and freezes. A sleek black car has just arrived. Stephanie wraps herself tightly in the tall muscular man's arms. Helen stays where she is. She can hear sirens sounding from afar. Soon several fire engines and police cars screech to a stop. Soon firefighters put out the fire. The uniformed police officers come up to Stephanie. One shakes his head. Another starts laughing. The rest of them takes some photos of the burnt car and talk to Stephanie.

And Stephanie stays in Ranger's arms.

 _Wake up and see the truth._ Helen blinks and recalls her dream. Once again she hears the whispers in her ears. _Smile and forget your fear. It doesn't matter what you think. The two of them do look perfect together, Helen. Whether you like it or not. It'a about love. It's about trust. It's about finding the right person. It's about the soul. It's about the heart. It's about true happiness._ Silently Helen Plum gets back into her car. She sits there behind the wheels and thinks for a while. She starts the engine. She turns the car around. She heads for the bakery. She saw how tightly Stephanie wrapped her arms around Ranger's waist. She saw how gently Ranger kissed Stephanie on the top of her head. She saw how they looked at each other. She saw how Stephanie smiled when Ranger wiped away her tears.

It's the same way she looks and smiles at Frank.

It's the look of love.

Helen Plum lets out a sigh. She feels suddenly relieved. She feels happy for Stephanie. She doesn't even bother to think: Where the heck was Joe?

"Finally." The 3rd fairy godfather smiles and says in a voice not unlike The Rock's. "Finally." His partners smile and echo. Together the three of them stand there smiling and watch Stephanie and Ranger drive into their Happily Ever After. And when Detective Joe Morelli finally jumps out of his brand new silvery blue SUV with a pissed look on his sleepy face, all the fairy godfathers, firefighters and police officers simply roll their eyes and smirk.

True love will always prevail.


	18. Lesson 9: Cookie Monster

****Lesson 9:** Cookie Monster**

He saw his opportunity when everyone around the dining table started talking at exactly the same moment. He reached out a hand with stealth and measured carefulness. He was always a very cautious man. He didn't usually take unnecessary chances or do risky things. But this time he simply couldn't help it. The temptation was too strong and too sweet and he knew he would have to take his chances. He had no other choice. He had to have it. He had to bite into that ripe sweetness. He had to taste the bittersweet chocolate. He had to close his eyes and moan when his tastebuds exploded into a thousand little stars and sang in harmonious chorus. Slowly and silently his hand moved forward. His heart skipped a beat when his fingertip touched the object of his infatuation. Ah, he had found the Promised Land. From now on he would be happy and contented. He would have everything he wanted. He would achieve his dream. His mouth started watering as his hand closed around the roughly round object. He so wanted to jump up from his chair to sing and dance and to celebrate. He wanted the whole world to know he had made it. He had done what no human had ever done before. He had accomplished the impossible task. He had stolen Frank Plum's chocolate chips cookie. His name would go down in history—

Everyone around the dining table jumped and shrieked as the gunshot sounded. Everybody stared in wide-eyed terror as Joe Morelli fell backward and slumped back into his chair. The now dead Italian Stallion had a bullet hole in the middle of his forehead. Frank Plum leaned forward to calmly pry his chocolate chips cookie from the dead man's still warm hand: "Nobody steals my cookie, Morelli. Nobody."

 **Moral of the story:** Thou shalt not steal, babe.


	19. Lesson 10: Nothing But The Truth

**Lesson 10: Nothing But The Truth**

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" She slurs a little and smiles like a woman in love. Her eyes are brighter than her burning car. "Thou art more lovely and more temperate, babe." She giggles, taking a brave unsteady step forward. She stumbles, and falls into his waiting arms. She looks up into his almost black eyes and wraps her arms around his neck. "whoops, " She happily says, "You're sooooo warm." She stands on her tiptoes and kisses him. It's a soft happy kiss. Her lips linger on his as she plasters herself against him. Everything around them falls really quiet. She pays them no attention. She's concentrating on the touch of his lips. She flat-out loves the hardness of his perfect body. And somehow he smells like spring, summer, autumn, the finest organic chocolate, the very best vanilla bean, all the things she has ever wanted, and love.

"I love you, babe, in the scariest way, I want you, babe, stay, won't you stay?" The kiss ends. She starts singing. Her voice is shaky. She's singing off tune and key. She doesn't care a bit. It's just another day. She has just blown up another car. It's no big deal. "C'est la vie." She solemnly says, and then bursts into laughing. "I love you, babe," She whispers in his ear as she stops to catch her breath. "I love you." She says again, again, and again. Her voice getting louder, louder, and louder. People are staring. She doesn't know. She doesn't care. She has to bare her heart. She has to expose her soul. She has to tell him. She has to tell him. She blinks as she feels the powerful urge. She starts feeling a bit worried. She almost cries. "Don't you want me, babe?" She stammers a little. She always loves this song. She loves the pink champagne in those pretty glasses. She loves the colorful bubbles. Yeah, she knew she's a cheap drinker. But it's Ladies' Night. Buy one get one free. And the first one is free. It' wasn't her fault that one of her crazy skips was also here. He isn't mad at her, is he? She looks at him pleadingly and clings to him in a death grip. "I love you, babe, Carlos, I love you. I really really do."

The car keeps on burning. People around keep on staring. He wraps her tighter in his arms and desperately wants to laugh and sigh at the same time. She's cute when drunk. He's stunned by her honesty. He's amazed at her good luck. He's grateful she got out of her car in time. He wants to thank whatever god that happened to hang around tonight. She scared the Hell out of him.

"Do you love me?" She timidly asks, her voice muffled by his chest.

"I do, Stephanie." He says without hesitation.

And the truth sets them both free.

The tall dark hairy man growls in his throat and tries to step forward to intervene. Two muscular arms hold him back and keep him where he is. "Don't be a jerk, Morelli." He whips around to stare at Big Dog. Ranger helps Stephanie into his Porsche and drives away. "To infinity...and beyond!" Carl says and grins like a cat.

The tall dark handsome, Mocha Latte fairy godfather smiles his Million Dollar Smile, wraps his cute smart apprentice in his arm and kisses her on the top of her head. "Proud of you, babe." One drop of Veritaserum in the pink bubbling champagne and the everlasting triangle is solved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moral of the story: Thou shalt not lie, babe.


	20. Chapter 20

**Lesson 11: The Missed Morning-After Pill**

"I'm pregnant." She quietly says. Her voice sounds numb in her own ears. The silence inside the vast bedroom is heavy and dense. She remains calm and composed. She's never the drama queen. This is the first time she got pregnant. She's not sure if she really wants to be a mother. She's not sure if she's willing to change and pay the price. The only thing she's certain of is that she will be 40 in a few years. She doesn't even know how she forgot to take the pill. She lets out a silent sigh and takes another look at him. They have known each other for ages. She already knows what his reaction will be.

"Shit."He freezes and stares at her for a full minute. He runs a slightly shaking hand through his wavy too long hair and closes his eyes as he crumples into a chair. "Shit."

She almost laughs at his apparent misery. She knows he's been planning to get back together with Stephanie. She sometimes wants to slap them at the back of their heads and tell them to grow up and stop being so fucking stupid. This is not  ** _Jersey Shore_**. Everybody in this city is tired of the foolish game they've been playing for years. No one knows he comes to knock on her door late in the night whenever he breaks up with Stephanie. Cop and mobster. Old friends and sometimes lovers. Just two adults satisfying each other's needs. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sex for the sake of sex. There's no love involved. She knew that from the very beginning. But still the stunned look on his suddenly pale face cut like a knife. She turns her face away to hide her hurt. Her cold-eyed reflection looks back at her from the expensive beautiful antique mirror. She loves the mirror. It's a birthday present she gave herself. It came from a castle in Italy; the previous owner was an old duchess who outlived all her loved ones. Rumour has it that the lonely old lady was once a sly vicious witch, and this mirror is her favorite tool of witchcraft.

Witchcraft? She smiles at herself. Wizardry, magic, Hogwarts, Narnia, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and the Lord of the Rings. Fairy tales. Prince and Princess. Knights in shining armor. Happily ever after. One true love. She desperately wants to believe in something, but she's never a believer in impractical things. She was taught to be realistic. She was taught everything has a price. She was taught everyone has a motive. She was taught love is overrated and exaggerated. She was taught to love no one, trust no one. She was taught to always watch her back. But somehow she has let down her guard and let him slip in. She has been in love with him for many many years.

"You can't keep it."

His ragged voice startles her. She turns to stare at his lean handsome face. She still remember the first time he smiled at her. They were both 12 that year. He was such a good-looking boy. She gave herself to him when she turned 14. Maybe their child will have his smile. Maybe their child will have his eyes. She hopes it's a boy. A boy like him.

"Terry, I mean it. You have to get rid of it. You can't keep it. I don't want to get involved. I can't afford to get involved. I—"

"You want to go back to Stephanie." Her smile deepens as she gazes into his pleading eyes. "No, that's OK, Joe, I understand. You want to have a future with Stephanie. You want her to quit her job and be the mother of your kids. You want her to mend your socks and cook you meals. You want her to be safe. You want her to be happy. You love her. You have the right to be happy. You have a bright future ahead of you. The two of you are going to have a dozen beautiful kids. You don't want to have anything to do with your pregnant fuck buddy and her illegitimate brat. A cop with mob connections? It won't be good for your career. I get it, Joe. I totally understand."

He looks up at her with gratitude. His whole body relaxes with relief. She bursts out laughing. She pulls out her hidden gun. He gapes at her. She takes aim. He tries to stand up, to shout, to do something, anything, to save himself. She pulls the trigger. A drop of tear falls down her cheek when the gun falls from her suddenly powerless hand.

"Good bye, Joe." She kneels by his side, caresses his still warm face, and gently whispers in his ear. "It's been a pleasure knowing you. I knew all along you were a rat bastard. But I just couldn't stop loving you. I know...my bad..."

 **Moral of the story:** Dear Joe, thou shalt not be a selfish pig.


	21. The Last Lesson

******Mission**  10** : The Last Lesson**

He wakes up to find someone sitting in the chair at the end of the bed. The room is shadowed in darkness. He can't see the man's face. The way the man sits reminds him of Michael Corleone, the new Godfather. The man remains calm and quiet. He breaks into cold sweat and starts feeling scared. He wants to say something but he can't trust his voice. he doesn't want to show his weakness. He doesn't want to show his fear. He's a police detective, for God's sake. He has sworn to protect and serve. He catches bad guys for a living. But his gun is downstairs inside a drawer in the living room. And the man has a gun on his lap.

Slowly a cold shiver creeps down his spine and he starts feeling sick in his stomach. He never considers the man a threat. He never considers the man dangerous. In fact, he never ever thinks much of the man. Old, slow, clumsy, and out-of-shape. Uninterested in the outside world. He recognizes the man's existence, but seldom shows the man any respect. Now he suddenly realizes maybe that's a big mistake. He prays it's not too late...

"You broke into her apartment while she was taking a shower. You smashed her things. You cuffed her to her shower curtain rod." The man's voice is quiet and soft, his tone cold and flat. "And then you had the nerve to come to my house uninvited and let my wife serve you dinner. You must be so proud of yourself. Aren't you, you little bastard?"

The man stands up and raises the gun in his hand. It's the old .45 from his Army days, a proven deadly weapon. Cold fury radiates off him as he carefully takes aim. "Nobody treats my daughter without respect. Morelli. Nobody."

Joe Morelli opens his mouth, desperately trying to explain, to make Frank Plum understand. Alas, he never ever got the chance. The tall silent fairy godfather who dresses like the Grim Reaper shakes his head. Nothing beats a father's love.

And rage.


	22. Mission 11: The Answer Is Blowing In The Wind

********Mission 11:****** The Answer Is Blowing In The Wind**

A drop of tear rolls off his face. He prays and prays very hard. He's a good man. He loves his families. He's loyal to his friends. He's good at his job. He's done nothing wrong. All he needs is another chance. All he wants is her love. They belong together. They have so much in common. He will make her the happiest woman in the world. He promises he will. He closes his eyes tight. He feels his heart's ache. He is bathing in bright moonlight. He just wants his sorrows to go away. He just wants his prayers to be answered.

And then all of a sudden, his wish comes true.

He opens his eyes as he hears the soft clink. He stares at the tiny crystal bottle in front of him and the beautiful baby pink liquid inside. In elegant italic letters the label reads, "Love Potion: Think of the person you love and drink. Whether you close your eyes or not is irrelevant". He can't believe his eyes. He can't believe his luck. He wants to kiss someone. He wants to thank the heavens above. He's so happy, so so happy. He will drink this bottle of love potion. And his beloved Cupcake will be his. He unplugs the bottle and drinks the lovely sweet potion in one gulp. He feels all warm and fuzzy inside. He smiles. He wants to do a happy dance. He wants to chew on his cage bars and stuff his cheeks with blueberries and raisins. He wants to run in his hamster wheel like a wild and free cheetah.

 _Huh?_  Joe Morelli widens his eyes and disappears in a puff of white silvery smoke. In the place he once knelt is now an extra furry hamster that looks totally confused.

"Uh-oh." The fairy godfather's apprentice pales. He fumbles through his pockets and finally fishes out a tiny bottle of greyish green bubbling liquid labeled "Hamster Potion: Permanent". He blinks a couple times and turns to looks at his grim-faced master. "I...I mixed up the labels."

The fairy godfather rolls his eyes. He's pretty sure his apprentice got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching, and sometimes, if you stand close enough to him, you can actually hear the ocean. But he likes the boy anyway. They all like him. "Calm down. Take a deep breath. Accidents happen everywhere everyday. It's no big deal." What is done is done. The best you can do is learn from the mistakes.

And nobody is going to miss Joe Morelli anyways.


	23. Let It Be

**Mission 12: Let It Be**

The tall handsome Mocha Latte fairy godfather clad sleekly in black doesn't smile. The extra furry hamster on the table in front of him looks cute and totally confused. The vast chamber is quiet. None of the fairy godfathers makes a sound. They've tried everything. Nothing worked. The tall smart handsome Mocha Latte fairy godfather is their last ray of hope. He has invented a magical potion that can undo all the magic and restore the rightful order. Client No. 579841123906 may be a stubborn pain in the ass but he deserves a chance to happiness. It is indeed their fault that he was turned into a hamster. It's their duty to undo the mistake and and right the wrong. It's about their pride and reputation.

The Mocha Latte fairy godfather's wild-haired pretty apprentice carefully uncorks the bottle and hands the potion to her master. Everyone inside the vast chamber holds their breath in anxious expectation. Very slowly the Mocha Latte fairy godfather pours a drop of the golden liquid onto the chubby furry hamster.

Nothing happens.

The hamster blinks. The Mocha Latte fairy godfather frowns. The pretty apprentice gasps. Everyone turns pale. The Mocha Latte fairy godfather has never failed. With steady hand he pours another drop of the potion onto the hamster. The hamster lets out a surprised tiny squeak and turns first pink and then rainbow colors, his fur now longer and silky smooth. The Mocha Latte fairy godfather contemplates the bottle in his hand and finally gives his head an almost imperceptible shake.

"Buy him a nice cage and give him some raisins. There's nothing we can do. It's his fate."

The Mocha Latte fairy godfather's soft deep voice echoes in the vast chamber. Without a sound all the other fairy godfathers set to work. In no time at all they local a kind person who loves cupcakes, doughnuts, French fries, pizza and meatball sub. They leave the hamster cage at the door and disappear in a cloud of fairy dust when the door is opened.

Thus the extra furry hamster and the crazy hamster gentleman live happily ever after together.

**~The End~**


End file.
